On 'Captain America' and Hollywood Action Sequences...

I saw Captain America: The First Avenger earlier today.

Reaction: Good, not great.

Bottom-line: An origin tale worth telling is highlighted by a great cast, interesting characters, and a strong story, but is brought down by hurried and uninteresting action sequences, along with an unconvincing villain in Johann Schmidt/The Red Skull.

Chris Evans (Steve Rogers/Captain America), Hayley Atwell (Peggy Carter), Stanley Tucci (Dr. Abraham Erskine), Tommy Lee Jones (Colonel Chester Phillips), Sebastian Stan (Buckey Barnes), and Dominic Cooper (Howard Stark) all deserve praise for their respective performances while the usually diabolic Hugo Weaving (Schmidt/Skull), is pretty much just there because the film needs a villain.

The movie paints Schmidt as intriguing, maniacal, and diabolical, but there's an unshakable sense of "been there, done that" with him. He's simply the next wanna-be Goldfinger churned out on the supervillain factory farm. I never felt like anything was actually at stake, or like the world was ever in any real danger. It's fine. We all know there's a movie coming out next May called The Avengers, which means Captain America had to be victorious over Schmidt in his first solo flick in order to graduate to the group stage. It was more about the process than the respective parts.

Unfortunately, the process was dragged down by some frantically-paced, low-notch action sequences. I usually try and judge an action/adventure movie not on the action itself, but on everything that happens in between the action. Am I still interested when CGI explosions aren't commandeering the screen? Because, if I am, then I've usually just witnessed a pretty good movie. Because I expect the action sequences to take care of themselves. I expect for those, at the very least, to be worth the price of admission.

This summer, and for a number of...well...years now, I suppose, that hasn't been the case. Hollywood action sequences have been lagging for some time now, to the point where I can't abide by my usual criteria. In Captain America, the sequences raced on and off the screen faster than Usain Bolt could have, and one scene I was looking forward to -- the one in the trailer of Cap and the Howling Commandoes storming in together through that door -- fell victim to this worse than most others. What could have been a memorable shot was suddenly happening without any buildup and was over before I blinked.

I understand that a montage is more or less a mash-up of scenes to imply that significant time has passed, but they don't have to be presented as if the remote is stuck on fast forward. But that's exactly what it felt like when Cap and the Commandoes were in the midst of destroying Schmidt's various Hyrda (the Nazi deep science division) bases across all of Europe. A montage can take its time and include some memorable lines and moments (think of the opening montage in Wedding Crashers).

There was something resembling a motorcycle chase through a forest towards the end (which felt like a cheaper, watered-down version of the speeder bike chase from Return of the Jedi on wheels), which gives way to the only serviceable fight scene in the film: One of Cap finally going all out on a group of Hydra soldiers outside of Schmidt's final base. You can catch most of it, here.

One thing director Joe Johnston deserves credit for is filming most of the action set pieces with a steady hand and a wider shot, which allows for us to actually see Cap's punches, kicks, and shield throws. Unfortunately (I keep saying that because I wanted this movie to work on all fronts), not many of the choreographed fight scenes are worth seeing.

But this brings about the larger point about Hollywood action in recent years. Too many blockbusters have gotten it all wrong. If the scenes don't suffer from the shaky "I want it to feel like you could actually be there" effect (Thor, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen), then the cameras are literally too close to the action for us to get a good sense of what's really going on (Batman Begins). Call me crazy, but seeing what I think is Batman's torso twist just isn't good enough. I'd like to see him actually land a kick in the gut of the bad guy he's attempting to bring down. That would mean more to me. The flailing torso, followed by a quick edit and the bad guy crumpling to the ground is grounds for a yawn as opposed to a nod of approval.

One other thing I'd love to see more of -- and this is another thing Johnston did right with Captain America on a number of occasions -- is over-the-shoulder work during shooting scenes, so that we see the shooter aiming a gun and firing, and then we see the target drop, all in one shot (think the shots of the German machine gunners in the opening beach storming scene of Saving Private Ryan). I'm sure this takes more time and money than the customary: Guy shoots/quick edit/target falls, but it's always more believable and enjoyable when this approach is taken. Or, if not over the shoulder, at least shoot the scene in a manner that allows the viewer to see the shooter fire and the target get hit all in one shot (like in The Matrix when Keanu Reeves is trying to save Morpheus in the office building and he does the somersault while shooting the M-16 and we see the guards drop right in front of us).

A final note: I'm becoming more and more of a believer in: "If it's not conceivable, just don't do it." Seriously, if, as a filmmaker, you're trying to put together a scene or sequence and you have to rely almost entirely upon CGI, maybe you should go back to the drawing board and find another way to get your point across. I understand that some movies, which employ mythical and science fiction elements, sometimes can't help this, and that's fine. But take a movie like Fast and Furious and think about that final chase scene through all of those hidden caves. It's so unbelievably fake and so heavily reliant upon CGI that it isn't even fun to try and brush it off by suspending disbelief. You see something like that and you can't help but think, "This is so dumb." Which then makes you wonder how a director a producer or a studio could think enough of it to go ahead and make it a crucial part of the movie. Fortunately, Fast Five almost completely abandoned the CGI crap, and what did we get? A much, much better movie and far more enjoyable chase/racing sequences.

If you can't tell, I've put a lot of thought into this in recent years. My biggest fear is that rather than seek to fix these problems, Hollywood will only continue to make them worse.

On Being a Big Fan of Ryan Gosling...

I'm a big fan of Ryan Gosling. In my eyes he's one of the most talented, committed, and convincing actors in film today, which makes him a joy to watch in practically any role he decides to take on. He's shied away from the Hollywood machine for the majority of his career, opting instead for indie and arthouse films like Half Nelson (I watched this one last night), Lars and the Real Girl, and Blue Valentine.

He'll be back on the Hollywood circuit next week with the debut of Crazy, Stupid, Love, which he stars in alongside the very funny Steve Carell, the very talented Emma Stone, the always reliable Julianne Moore (check her out in The Kids are All Right alongside Mark Ruffalo), and, of course, Kevin Bacon.

Here's the trailer:

Currently, Crazy, Stupid, Love is sitting at 83% on Rotten Tomatoes, but that's consisting of only six reviews so far. Nonetheless, when vying for a "Certified Fresh" label on RT, it's always better to start out high than low. Mary F. Pols of Time, though, wrote: "The movie's biggest surprise is the revelation of Gosling as cunning comedian."

But, if you've seen any of Goslings interviews on late-night talk shows, the fact that he can pull off the funny guy role isn't so much a revelation as it is an expectation. For example, check out his interview with Jimmy Kimmel back when he was promoting Blue Valentine:

And then there's this gem:

And here's him on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon earlier this week (scroll to the 18:20 mark...The Turkish bath story is particularly amusing):

Of course, Ryan will be back on the arthouse circuit on September 16, with the release of the grim, noir-like actioner, Drive, which pits Gosling as a Hollywood stuntman who moonlights as a wheelman. It's certainly a different type of role for Gosling, but after watching the red band trailer that debuted at Comic-Con yesterday, his usual commitment to the role makes him look like a natural.

Here's that trailer:

And here's another clip:

I'm very, very, very excited for this movie. It's currently sitting at 90% on Rotten Tomatoes after 10 reviews, and while it might not be a mainstream hit (not many of Gosling's films are), it looks like it'll continue to cement Gosling's reputation as one of the finest actors in the game today. And, if he proves he can pull off such a violent role involving cars, guns, stray bullets, and hammers, perhaps more action flicks will come his way in the future (he's already set for a remake of Logan's Run, which will land in theaters in 2012). Can you see Gosling as an action star? I don't think he'd ever commit to one genre like that, but it'd still be cool to see him mix in a few of those types of flicks from time to time.

In the meantime, I'll continue to eagerly await the release of Crazy, Stupid, Love, which arrives in theaters next Friday.

On the Benefits of Early Morning Running...

I woke up at 6:00am today and by 6:20am, I was out on the roads completing a 13-mile run.

As I'm writing this now, it is 8:53am, and I am happy to report that the most difficult part of my day is now out of the way. 13 miles. Done. I now have the rest of my day to look forward to.

It's incredibly relieving getting these long runs over with early on weekend mornings. Sure, for most people there's a strong desire to take advantage of Saturday and Sunday to sleep in, which I can understand. But the benefits of getting up and getting it over with often outweigh the comforts of that extra hour or two in your bed. At least in my opinion.

Besides, if you're on the roads for a long run by 6:30am, chances are you'll be finished by 8:30am, and after a quick shower, you can hop right back in bed and grab those two extra hours you desire so strongly. Sometimes going back to bed is even better than choosing to stay in bed in the first place.

But back to the benefits. Running so early allows me to evade the stifling heat of the afternoon -- something that can hinder even the most accomplished runner's chances of chugging along at a good pace. Running so early limits my opportunities to ingest the wrong food or beverage. I'm a big, big food guy. I eat very healthy, but even so, the wrong blend of things in your stomach can become your worst enemy when you try and run through it later in the day. You know what I'm talking about. Today, all I had before my run was half a cup of water and a Flintstones vitamin.

If you're like me, your workout is arguably your most important priority each and every day. It has to get done, even if it's at the expense of some other activity you'd like to be doing. Well, getting such a long run over with early in the morning completely frees up your day to do whatever else it is you want to do. Your friends asked you to go to the beach? Now you can go. You don't have to have the daunting prospect of a 13-mile run hanging over you all day while you're trying to enjoy your time in the sand and the surf. You don't have to be that guy who keeps asking what time your friends plan on leaving because you know you have to be back at a decent hour because you still have a 13-mile run to take care of.

Waiting until the afternoon or evening allows for you to do more things earlier in the day. But, let's be honest, sometimes those other activities can be pretty exhausting. The beach is a great example, particularly if you live a fair distance away from one. Let's say you live approximately 45 minutes away from your favorite spot. That's a 45-minute car ride (not including traffic), a whole day at the beach, and another 45-minute car ride home (not including traffic). It can be a pretty tiring day, and most likely, all you'll want to really do when you get back home is jump in the shower, ditch the sand that made a new home in your trunks, and grab a bite to eat or sit down on the couch in front of the television. You probably won't have the energy or the mental fortitude needed to go out and conquer 13 miles.

But, if you were to get that long run over with before the beach, then you could go down worry-free, and when that strong sense of fatigue sets in mid-day, you can plop yourself down on a towel, throw the shades on to block out the sun, and drift off to sleep for a little bit. It'll feel great, believe me. Put sunscreen on, though, if you don't want to wake up looking like a lobster.

One thing that definitely helps: Commitment. It's much easier to wake up on Saturday morning if you've mentally and physically prepared yourself the night before. You're most likely going to have to sacrifice a Friday night (again, not necessarily something desirable for someone who works five days a week and cherishes the weekend) by staying in and doing something laid back, like watching a movie, before getting to bed at a decent hour. Last night I stayed in and watched Half Nelson, and I was in bed by 11:00pm. Not exactly a thrilling Friday night, but there have been plenty of times when I've told myself I'll wake up early Saturday morning and then went out Friday night and didn't get home until 2:30am. Waking up four hours later to run 13 miles isn't very inviting at that point, even for someone as intrinsically motivated and dedicated as me.

Tomorrow, or next weekend, give it a try. Your bed will still be there when you get back.

On Being Fully Invested in 'Suits'...

I recently told someone that USA's White Collar is my favorite show on television.

If I were to have that same conversation with that same person today, at this very minute, I think I'd have a different answer. My network of choice hasn't changed, but my show has. USA's new endeavor, Suits, has my full attention, and the 10:00pm to 11:00pm block on Thursday night is now my favorite hour of television every week.

In terms of my own fanhood, the best thing the show has going for it is Mike Ross's character, with Harvey Specter not far behind. I care about Mike Ross, perhaps because he's a genuinely caring figure who is mindful of his clients' emotional well-being, or maybe it's because he's a bit of an underdog at Pearson Harden -- someone who certainly has the brains and the wit for the job, but lacks the everyday fundamentals and knowledge (one of his first major obstacles is figuring out how to fill out a subpoena) that come with being a lawyer.

But me caring about Mike Ross is vital, because now I can become fully invested in his journey. I want to see Mike succeed. I want to see him outsmart his opposition, earn Harvey's respect by being a step ahead at all times, and most of all, I want his blossoming career to not be hindered by anything he might have done in the past.

We'll get back to this in a minute.

As for Harvey, I don't care about his story the same way I care about Mike's. With Mike, you hope he manages to win his cases, because he's still trying to find his way and prove himself. With Harvey, you expect him to find a way to win because he's been established for so long. You sit back and watch this confident, smooth, and sharp professional work his magic. With Mike, you just hope and pray there is magic to be worked.

It's easier to like Harvey knowing he worked his butt off to get where he is. In the episode in which Mike has to throw a rookie dinner, Harvey's lesson of the week is all about "getting it." We learn that when he first started out, he made sure it seemed to his superiors like he worked 100 hours a week, which means in his current position, he can come and go as he pleases, because no one doubts his ability to get the job done.

But back to Mike...Louis Litt might seem like his worst enemy, but I assure you it's everything that has to do with his past, including his ill-advised friendship with, well, his best friend, Trevor -- a pot dealer who thinks he's smarter and smoother than he actually is.

It goes without saying that when Harvey took Mike on as his associate, he knew the kind of trouble he was risking. It also goes without saying that a proper background check was not a part of the hiring process. The best thing Mike and Harvey have going for their secret is just that -- it's a secret, and as long as no one else becomes aware of it (particularly someone who is aware of Mike's suspect past), they can stay away from smoke, and, inevitably, fire.

But on last night's episode, word got out. Harvey secured business cards for Mike, and Trevor stumbled upon one at a local bar. The secret is out, and, of course, the one person who really shouldn't know is the one person who does. Trevor claims to be Mike's best friend, which would suggest the secret would be safe with him. But as we saw in the pilot episode, Trevor isn't willing to risk everything to ensure Mike's safety and well-being. Trevor's not someone you want in your foxhole with you, and given his frequent involvement with sketchy people, it's unclear what kind of trouble this could potentially cause for Mike down the road. All we know is, whatever issues arise courtesy of Mike's past will detract from his ability to get the job done within the firm.

Such an issue could very well crop up in next week's episode. The preview shows Rachel speaking with a girl who had Mike take the LSATs for her, and then shows that same girl in the office (probably to visit Rachel, assuming she's a friend). Now, Mike can just hide under a desk or grab lunch in Central Park in order to avoid this girl. That's not the big issue, for how many times is she actually going to appear in the office? We know how busy Rachel is, so it's unlikely she's going to start having guests every day of the week on her lunch hour. The bigger issue is Rachel finding out that Mike was the guy who took the LSATs for her friend. It's bad enough having people (like Trevor) outside of the office know about the secret of Mike and Harvey's partnership. It'd be catastrophic if someone inside the office found out (besides Donna, Harvey's awesome secretary, who isn't telling anyone).

Granted, if you had to pick anyone in the office to find out (besides Donna), you would definitely pick Rachel since she and Mike have developed a legitimate relationship which is teetering on the point of possible romance. But still, it's in Mike and Harvey's best interests for her to remain out of the loop.

I'm starting to get the feeling that the admittedly weak foundation Mike and Harvey built their setup upon is beginning to crack, and I'm really curious to see if that feeling becomes stronger in the ensuing weeks. I'm also nervous that it'll take away from the show itself. Will each episode become about someone new possibly discovering Mike's secret and overshadow his evolution as a lawyer? Hopefully not. Because, as I said at the forefront, I care about Mike's journey. And by that I meant Mike's ascension to the top of the legal world, not his descent back to nothingness as he crashes and burns due to a secret unveiled.

On White Collar's Opening Credits Sequence...

I'm a big fan of USA's 'White Collar.'

I'm not quite on the level of those who follow show creator Jeff Eastin on Twitter (although I have shot him a tweet or two before), but I definitely look forward to 9:00pm (I live on the east coast) on Tuesday nights.

The show's currently in the midst of its third season, and while it took a few episodes to find its legs, the bigger issue at hand was the sudden, unexpected, and, frankly, unneeded change to its opening title sequence.

While the first few episodes of the first season used a sequence that is now extinct, the majority of season one and all of season two utilized the following intro:

The intro fits the tone of the show, plain and simple. Despite it being a breezy, blue sky show on USA, thanks to its very appealing and likable central character, Neal Caffrey, 'White Collar' still has a certain attitude and style to it that the 11-second introduction reflected.

Early into season three, though, it was replaced, by this unwanted impostor:

In a word, I would describe it as silly. The light, almost bouncy tone of the music undermines what seriousness does exist within the show itself. That jingle, in my mind at least, is best reserved for some sort of children's show, particularly the final few seconds when the painting is lifted off the wall, revealing the title of the show.

Fortunately, Eastin finally woke up (most likely due to fan outcry) and reverted back to the old title sequence, which once again ran as a part of this week's episode. Title sequences shouldn't be enough to make or break a show for anyone (at least I hope not), but audiences do become accustomed and comfortable with them, and come to expect them as a part of the episode they're taking in. It's a classic example of, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

Fortunately this minor speed bump has been cleared without any dire consequences and we can now get back to worrying about more important matters, like what Sara will do now that she knows Neal (not yet Mozzie) is in possession of the treasure that was retrieved from the German U-boat at the end of season two.

We should be in store for a very interesting episode next Tuesday...

On Taking Back Sunday Taking Over Boston Last Night...

The day of a concert, my biggest concern is always getting there. Even if you're going to a place you've been to twice before.

I went to see Taking Back Sunday at the House of Blues (HOB) in Boston last night -- one of my absolute favorites bands at one of my absolute favorite venues. My very first concert -- ever -- took place two years ago at HOB in Boston and featured none other than...Taking Back Sunday (just after they released their fourth album, 'New Again').

Miraculously, though, getting there was as simple as I should have figured it would be. 95 to 93 to Mass Ave to Boylston, find a parking garage, walk a half mile, and you're there. Besides some traffic on 93, it was an uneventful trip -- the best kind.

Shortly after, though, a new problem kicked in. My friends (all 21 years old) and I arrived an hour before the doors were set to open, and we stumbled upon a very short line comprised mainly of what we figured to be 15-17 year olds. It took all of five minutes of standing in line for us to feel both old and out of place. The slight anxiety didn't dissipate after another two hours or so, as, now inside HOB waiting for the first band, The New Regime, to take the stage, we were staring at a room that was maybe 25% full. Two years ago when TBS played there with Envy on the Coast and Anberlin (such an incredible show), the line was a mile long, an hour before the doors even opened.

So now we weren't only dealing with the fact that we felt like the oldest people in the place, but that, with a crowd so small, you couldn't help but wonder if TBS would even feel like playing when it saw such a weak turnout. But then -- once again miraculously -- somewhere between the beginning of Colour Revolt's set and the end of Thursday's, the entire joint filled to capacity. I remarked to my buddy while we were waiting for TBS to take the stage that it was one of those seamless transitions that you don't notice until it's fully completed.

Our fears were alleviated. We were no longer the oldest people there (in fact, the majority of the late-showing crowd was definitely 21+ so all of the 17 and under kids were part of a new minority. Go us.), and when Adam Lazzara, John Nolan, Eddie Reyes, Mark O'Connell, and Shaun Cooper would took the stage, they would do so in front of a massive crowd, thirsting for their music.

And that's what they got. The quintet burst into "El Paso" to kick things off, setting an aggressive and energetic tone that was kept up by "Makedamnsure" just a few minutes later. I saw these guys in Providence a few months ago, and my one complaint about that show was that I couldn't hear John Nolan well enough (which sucked for me because I'm a big John Nolan fan). Not the case last night, as Nolan's piercing vocals worked off of Lazzara's like chocolate on strawberries.

The set was very "Tell All Your Friends" heavy, which was cool, seeing as the lineup that produced that excellent record was the one on stage last night. If you don't know, Nolan and Cooper parted ways with TBS approximately nine years ago, and formed the band Straylight Run. And after things didn't work out so well for TBS with replacements like Fred Mascherino Matt Rubano (Where You Want to Be, Louder Now, and New Again (Rubano)), and Matt Fazzi (New Again), a reunion was attempted with John and Shaun and went off brilliantly, as the band produced their fifth album, this one self-titled.

But treating fans to the old hits was the primary objective last night, as eight of the 10 songs off that album were delivered in fine fashion, highlighted, as always, by the "final" song of the night (before the three songs that made up the encore), the never-will-get-old "Cute Without the 'E' (Cut from the Team)." The other seven (in chronological album order): "You Know How I Do," "Bike Scene," "There's No 'I' in Team," "Great Romances of the 20th Century," "Ghost Man on Third," "Timberwolves at New Jersey," and, of course, "You're So Last Summer."

One of the cooler aspects from last night: Lazzara halting things midway through songs, the way he cut off "Bike Scene" just before the pace picks pack up and he's scheduled to belt, "You've got me riiiiiiiiiiiiight wheeeere you waaaant me." He took his time addressing the crowd while introducing some of his band mates before shouting out, "And I've got some unfinished business with you guys. It goes something like this," and going right into the final action-packed 50 seconds of the song.

These days (and I'm sure it's been like this for ages now), it's standard operating procedure for the crowd to play the biggest role in "Cute Without the 'E'," as they're relied upon to belt out the classic line: "Why can't I feel anything from anyone other than you?" as the music cuts out just after Lazzara has had his say with the very same line. The HOB crowd obliged, leaving the band in a fit of smiles before they rocked their faces off as they finished the song.

Having seen TBS in Providence a few months back, when I saw the engineers bring out an acoustic guitar during the setup and place it in front of O'Connell's drum set, I knew we were in store for another take on Straylight Run's (arguably) best song, "Existentialism on Prom Night." With Lazzara manning the acoustic and Nolan switching over solely to the keyboard, the fellas serenaded what appeared to be a very pleasantly surprised crowd.

A bad ankle didn't keep Lazzara from getting up close and personal with the fans on hand, as he headed off the left side of the stage, surfed over to the bar on the far side of the room, and sang "This is All Now" from his new perch. The crowd on the floor shifted, as if magnetized, pulled by the unstoppable force that Lazzara proved to be last night.

I'll admit I was surprised by the lack of new material the band went with, as the quintet played only four songs off their newest record ("El Paso," "Faith," "This is All Now," and "You Got Me."), but reminding the fans of the good old days with a "TAYF" focused set proved to be a very enjoyable affair for all parties involved.

This just means I'll have to catch them the next time they're in town, as I'm still anxious to hear "Who Are you Anyway?," "It Doesn't Feel a Thing Like Falling," "Since You're Gone," and "Call Me in the Morning."

The day before the show my parents said to me, "How many times can you see them? Don't you get sick of them?"

As I was happily reminded last night: No. No, I don't.

On Max's Untimely Dismissal From 'Burn Notice'...

Max, one of the newest faces on USA's hit series 'Burn Notice' was just starting to grow on me.

Then he died.

Shot by an as-yet-unknown assailant, Max bled out on the floor in front of Michael Westen, but not before telling Michael his wife is going to be pissed and asking him to say goodbye to her for him. And I cared. Which means show creator Matt Nix and his crew did their job.

You see, before the episode entitled "No Good Deed," which was highlighted by Max's unexpected demise, we were unsure how exactly we were supposed to feel about him as a character. Sure, he was another CIA operative who worked with Michael throughout the first three episodes, but Michael's various attempts (see: seasons one through four) to get back into the intelligence community have been thwarted by a number of characters who were supposed to be helping him. For all we knew, Max was simply the next baddie to step off the assembly line. There was never a moment where he had to make a choice or partake in an action that made us say, 'OK, he's definitely one of the good guys.'

Until midway through the episode in which he was killed.

Michael needs government-level resources to help thwart a hacker who was aiming to financially cripple a slew of south Florida teachers, and who does he turn to? Max. And Max obliges. The act itself wasn't the selling point, though. The selling point comes later, when Michael and Max break into an office building (posing as air conditioner repair men) to steal files, when a somewhat witty banter breaks out between the pair. Max basically assures Michael that he can count on him to help out with similar endeavors in the future, if need be.

Of course, this didn't necessarily have to paint Max as the next Pope, for plenty of villains lie to the good guy to appear like they aren't the bad guy. But this didn't have that feel to it. Max's offering seemed genuine, which immediately wiped any possibility of him being a villain clean away. I now cared about Max as a character, the same way I came to care about Jesse as a character in the previous season. Sure, Max might not have been anointed as the next member of Michael's seemingly unstoppable team, but clearly he was on the right side.

Shortly after this telltale moment, he was dead. And I cared about it.

Well-played, Mr. Nix. Well-played.

On Turkeys in My Backyard...

A family of turkeys lives in my backyard.

As well as the backyards of several neighbors in the immediate vicinity. Turkeys are a common sight in this part of my town (we refer to it as "the sticks"), but this is the first time I can remember the birds choosing my backyard as their new stomping grounds. The whole family is present: A guy (presumably the father, unless turkeys have their version of 'Jerry Springer'), a girl, which I'm confident is the mother based on the way the several little ones are drawn to her like the sole source of light on a pitch black night, and, of course, the several little ones I have just mentioned.

I'm routinely fascinated not by the turkeys themselves, but by how humans seem so fascinated by them. My parents, in particular, always seem to know exactly when and where they are in our yard. "Come and look at the turkeys!" they routinely shout whenever I'm in the kitchen with them. Um...No thanks. They are of no real concern to me, personally. On only one occasion can I remember actually stopping what I was doing in order to examine their actions.

It happened on a party cloudy Tuesday afternoon. Before the little ones were strutting about, dipping their heads to the earth to pick up seeds and worms (I'm assuming that's what they were after), there appeared to live a group of adult females that traveled together, and were appropriately flanked by a single (possibly perverted? No, horny. Probably just horny...) male that stalked about with his feathers in full bloom. I couldn't help but think of Glenn Quagmire from 'Family Guy' ('heh, heh, gobble, gobble).

So on this Tuesday afternoon, I'm finishing up a delicious ham and lettuce wrap at the kitchen table, when, out of the corner of my left eye, I notice a great, blurry thing streak by the kitchen window that sits to my left, overlooking the side yard and the pool. Curious, and slightly alarmed because this thing looked rather large (larger, than, say, a hawk...I'm assuming at this point that it's a bird), I move forward towards the back door that leads out onto my deck, where I see a full-grown female turkey prancing about in the fenced-in portion of my backyard that is reserved for my at-times overly aggressive dog. Fortunately my dog was inside at the time, and, double fortunately, he seems completely uninterested in turkeys. Good thing for the turkeys.

Apparently turkeys can fly. That's what I've been told, and while I've done zero research on the matter, my own theory is that turkeys can't exactly fly, but can instead flap their wings in an aggressive manner, launch themselves from the ground, and hover for several seconds before landing awkwardly back on the unforgiving surface of the earth. I theorize this because that's all I've ever seen them do. I've never actually seen them take flight the way I've seen ducks or regular birds (sparrows, pigeons, robins, etc.) do it. Have you ever seen a flock of turkeys flying in a perfect 'V' formation in the sky, the way you see geese do it every day in the summer? Yeah, me neither.

But now I sort of have an issue. There's a turkey stuck in the fenced-in area of my back yard. But, me being the intelligent, problem-solving individual that I am, I remind myself that there is a gate that can be opened, allowing for safe passage in and out of this area. So, I move to open the back door, when I realize that, by walking out onto the deck and down the stairs which leads into the fenced-in area, I will be sneaking up behind this poor bird and will probably spook her beyond belief, and in my very few observations of wild turkeys, they seem like very skittish creatures (much like most wild animals). So I decide to head down the main staircase in my house to the bottom floor, exit through the garage and approach this fenced-in area -- which now resembles a topless cage at a zoo -- head on. I approach slowly, hoping, in some way to convey to the turkey that I mean no harm. But then I think about it and realize that all of the predators turkeys flee from probably begin their hunts by approaching them slowly, hoping not to be noticed. Well, sprinting towards the fence in a crazed manner does not seem like a better alternative, so I keep to my cat burglar approach.

The turkey, at this point, is now pacing back and forth in the area, from one side of the fence to the other. When I get to within roughly five feet of the gate, my ears are greeted by a great fluttering of wings as the turkey charges toward my side of the fence (in a crazed manner similar to the one I was hoping to avoid on my approach just seconds earlier) and rises up and over it, landing safely on the other side and proceeding to sprint towards our flower/vegetable garden in the back portion of my yard, where it takes "shelter" behind a large batch of flowers with white pedals.

Problem averted, right? Not completely. I proceeded back to the kitchen and decided to take one last glance out the side window, just in case. Sure enough another female turkey is stalking around a young tree (what kind of tree it is, I do not know) that rests in approximately the center of the side yard. Only, this turkey looks slightly disheveled, is sporting a faint limp, and, quite frankly, looks incapable of "flight." It looked like it had just been caught and released from a burlap sack.

My fear was that it would attempt to imitate its female chum and take "flight" over my pool and into the back yard. Only I had a sneaking suspicion that this one wouldn't be able to make it over my pool, the way its cohort did. Now, I might have theories about turkeys being able to fly, but I hold no such thoughts on whether or not they can swim. So, I'm now terrified that it will attempt to fly over my pool, falter in mid-air, and crash land in the body of water, where it will squawk and thrash in fear and pain and eventually die a very slow, wet, and painful death. Moreover, if this were to happen, I would have no idea how to save it, and I doubt animal control or the police would arrive in time to take the appropriate measures. I doubt I could just wade into the pool, lift it safely out of harm's way and toss it over the edge to freedom on the other side of the yard. The turkey would most likely see me approaching it as some sort of underwater monster with lethal intentions. Which would only encourage it to thrash that much harder. And a turkey's feet aren't exactly harmless. Whether it has talons or something else attached, I am not sure, but I knew that if it did land in my pool and I did attempt to save it, it would try to carve me up like Leatherface from 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.'

I chose, ultimately, to leave the poor bird alone. At first I considered heading out to the side yard to chase it around the pool into the back yard to safety (assuming no foxes or coyotes were lying dormant, waiting for their opportunity to strike), but then I thought that rather than run around the pool, in its frantic attempt to escape my clutches (right, because I was totally aiming to catch it...Five whole months before Thanksgiving) it might attempt to "fly" over the pool and falter, which would lead to the events I just described above. So, I left it alone. I went back to my computer, and when I looked a half hour later, it was gone. Mercifully. Dead squirrels have been found in my pool before, and lifting those things out with the skimmer is disturbing enough. Nevermind having a much larger and heavier turkey to get rid of.