By: Greg Payne
When you boil it down, True Blood is a fun show. It's an hour of pure escapism that grows more outlandish, absurd, and preposterous with each passing episode and season, but that's what's so great about it. It never takes itself too seriously, and if you can do the same while watching it, you'll have a wonderful time.
Season 5 premiered last night (shout-out to my girl Ade for reminding me. I was totally out of the loop on that) and it was a whirlwind of violence, sex, and awesome character moments. A heck of a lot of subject matter was crammed into the hour-long slot, and while some have already been critical of the mishmash of storylines that were being packed in, I commend the showrunners for breaking things up the way they did. Last night's episode never dragged, thanks largely to the near ADD-ness of it. This show isn't just about Sookie anymore, as Bill and Eric have their own narrative path to navigate, as do the likes of Terry, Jason, Sam, Alcide, and even Andy.
The episode opened by reverting back to the final moments of Season 4, taking stock of the reactions of other characters to Debbie coming at Sookie with the gun and eventually shooting Tara. Bill and Eric could have rushed to Sookie's aid, but Eric instead opts for a "Fuck Sookie," as he cleans Bill's office of the grisly remains of Nan Flanagan. Bill and Eric are about to head out on a mission that will challenge The Authority, only to be ambushed and kidnapped by the very people they're targeting.
Meanwhile, Lafayette discovers Sookie holding a seemingly dead and dismembered Tara in the kitchen, when Pam pops up looking for Eric, prompting the episode's most important proposition: Can Pam turn Tara into a vampire to try and save her life? Once Sookie agrees to "owe her one," Pam begrudgingly agrees, fearful that Tara will come out all "fucktarded." Eventually they bury her and Tara out back, Pam hilariously sporting a Walmart sweatshirt.
Jason's soon thrown into focus, dealing with the Reverend Steve Newlin who showed up on his doorstep at the end of Season 4 all vampired-up. After a brief exchange Newlin is able to glamour Jason into letting him in, and then confesses his love for him, coming out as a gay vampire. But, as we've figured out, Jason doesn't play for that team, and his rejection of the Reverend's "flattering" advance is met with hostility, but Jessica swoops in and saves the day, followed by a round of promiscuity with Mr. Stackhouse. Oh, those two.
See what I mean about the wealth of storylines that were packed into the season opener? To save us some time: Terry's still being visited by Patrick, a Marine he served beside in Iraq, who appears to want answers to some kind of unresolved conflict. We weren't given many clues, but it appears the incident involves a fire. Andy, meanwhile, had one of the funniest scenes of the episode, meeting Holly's kids as he wakes up stark naked in her bed, having slept with her the night before. Poor Andy can't even find his pants...
Sam's in a wealth of trouble with Marcus' old pack, as they think he killed their leader, and of course they'll terrorize Luna and her daughter unless he tells them where he buried the body. By the way, who is that new smokeshow of a female werewolf who Sam eventually agrees to go with? More of her, puh-lease. Eventually he gives up the location of Marcus' body to his mother, of all people, and then we're treated to perhaps the strangest sequence of the episode: Marcus' mom reverts into wolf mode and begins eating her son, going after the intestines first. Never a dull moment on True Blood. Alcide makes his way into the picture, announces that he killed Marcus, which makes him the new leader of the pack, but the idea of that is shot down by the older wolves. Alcide's also the messenger in this one, alerting Sookie and Eric that Russell Edgington is back in the game.
Bill and Eric escape their predicament by way of blowing up the car they're trapped in, and we're soon introduced to a new character: Nora. She's Eric's sister. Not by blood, but by maker. Naturally the first thing they do is suck face. Oh, and then they have typical True Blood sex in a cargo container they were hiding out in, with Bill, never more the third wheel, waiting awkwardly outside. We were soon treated to the best line of the night, and easily one of the best of the series, courtesy of Eric: "We fight like siblings, but we fuck like champions."
Jason and Hoyt are still at odds, understandably, over Jason having slept with Jessica, but that doesn't stop Jason from visiting her at Bill's house (she's running the place while he's out of town). Who knew vampires liked Rock Band? Not this guy. He walked in on a party with some college kids, is visibly shaken when he sees Jessica kiss another guy, escorts another girl out, but refuses to sleep with her, exhibiting some serious character growth in the process.
Bill, Eric, and Nora are captured by the authority, despite their precautions, and, yup, Tara is successfully made into a vampire. Only she appears to be a very pissed off vampire, as her first act is to lunge and attack Sookie, but of course things cut to black before any damage is done.
We may have jumped from storyline to storyline faster than Jason's college girl would have shed her clothes for him, but we know where everyone stands and we can make reasonable guesses as to where this season is heading. Although, it'll end up being absurd enough that all of our predictions -- even the most ridiculous of them -- will seem trivial and completely irrelevant about halfway through. Still, it was an entertaining beginning to what looks to be the most aggressive season of True Blood yet.
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